Say by Shelley Washington

I must have been in 1st grade or Kindergarten

when some kid said the “N” word in front of me

and I didn’t know what it meant but I wanted to find out

It kept rolling around in my head

What is it? A name? Is it a good name?

I said it out loud at home, and remember my Dad looked sad.

I must have been in 4th grade

when we had to take the Missouri Assessment Program (MAP) test

and to tell the state how smart we were

We also had to tell them what race we were

“Select One Answer” but I needed two bubbles to be honest

I asked my teacher “why can’t I fill in ‘black’ and ‘white’”

And she said “just fill in black”

and she looked sad.

In high school, I was on the swim team

My brother was on the swim team

We were both really good. We were both Varsity champions and captains.

Someone said, “I didn’t even know black people could swim”

another said, “well, you’re only good athletes because you’re black.”

I was sad.

I went to college, and was the only mixed student in the music department.

-Another time being One of The Only and this never has seemed

to change even now-

I played saxophone in all of the top ensembles- I was first chair

bari sax in every group we had.

I earned that.

A guy I knew made black jokes all the time.

“you’re so white though”

“haha it’s just because you’re black though isn’t it?”

I slapped him across the face at a party once. Hard. I wasn’t even drinking

I was just so mad.

So mad.

I live in New York City now.

You can be whoever you want

You can be nobody

The anonymity of solitude

The fame of individuality

I love it.

Every day I’m myself.

Just a drop of creamy coffee

in the pantone of people here

I am comfortable. I am happier.

But, I read the news

I read what the things people I went to high school with are posting

And how “all lives matter” though so why are you complaining

And “well, he shoulda just listened to the cop and that wouldn’t

have happened”

And needing to build a wall

And needing to take back our country

And needing to keep our guns

And needing to build up our police force

And needing to these thugs

I cry a lot when I read the news

So much hurting

Because of the bubble they’re asked to fill out on an exam form

Because someone forgot to use a turn signal

Because they “fit the description”

I can’t breathe.

I am sad.

I am black, I am white. I am both. I get to be both. I

can choose. I could choose.

But who cares?

What does my mask entitle me to?

I’ve been followed around a store before

I got a DWB (driving while black) in summer once

when I was really tan

A coworker said the “N” word a bunch around me

but “oh, well I thought she was Mexican”

I was accused of “using the race card”

My opinions have been scrutinized

It matters to me what I feel

But it doesn’t matter- does the 1 drop rule still apply?

Some days I’d rather be totally accepted by one

community and shunned by the other

instead of only partially accepted by both-

not dark enough to shout it from the rooftops but

not white enough to be alright either so

just another day being One of The Only

America is a big place.

A lot of people live in it.

Some people understand everyone’s pain

And some people want “the good old days” back.

We should be able to choose individually

Who we wanna be/what we want to do/how we

get to live

But as of late we haven’t been able to, and it gets

summarized in the headlines:

Rich White Dude Raped a Woman and Went to Jail

for like 20 Seconds

Poor Black Kid was Killed for No Real Reason.

Was killed.

So what do we have to say for ourselves, hm?

What do you have to say for yourself?

What do we even say?

“liking” and hash-tagging have helped some so far

I don’t even know if God is listening – white jesus

maybe but

We keep saying all these things over and over

But what’s the use? What’s the truth?

Dead horse is done beat to death more and here

we are kicking away at it

so what do we do? What can we say?

So what do you have to say for yourself?

What do I have to say for myself?

What do we even say?

Say it